I can't sleep. I'll be posting this from my iPod. I've just come to the realization of how much of an outcast I truly am. Today at the basketball game. I could have joined in on the game my teammates have engaged in, but I prefer playing a game with my brother instead. It looks rather silly since I'm the oldest one there. I should be the one engaging with the others, to be frank I just don't have that chemistry with them. I don't want to make new friends. I'm happy with the ones I have now. It's amazing how the bond I've make with them has grown and prospered. The thought of having to do that again just comes off as more work for me. I feel as if I don't have that chemistry with most people. Sure I know I have to get to know people. But I really can't get to know then the way I intend to. I always feel like in being judged. And yeah I know everyone tells you to ignore the others and don't care what they think. That's hard for me though. First impressions are everything to me. I just tend to avoid the awkwardness and not meet new people.

I understand there is no coherent subject in this post. This is just simply my ranting to empty my mind. To help me sleep. There honestly is no other way for me To do this. So bare with me.

Lately I, as well as other students are thinking about college. I have come to the conclusion that I want to become a computer engineer, why you ask? I don't know. Ever since I was younger, I was always told that was the perfect field for me. Even my career aptitude test tell me the same. I really don't know what my calling is, I don't know what I want to be my profession. What is my forte? I have none. Everyone has music, art, photography, etc. What do I have? Nothing. I'm mediocre at music, I don't excel at writing, I lack creativity and can't create my own original thoughts. I want to find my calling. Everyone tells me that I just have to give it more time. To be honest, I'm nothing but a lazy person. I don't thrive off excitement of adventure. I'm particularly happy laying in bed doing nothing with my life. Sound pathetic? Yeah I know.

I also don't think i'll be able to part with my parents. Virginia tech is 4 hours in the middle of nowhere. Even if I did go, being a freshman, I wouldn't be able to drive. I'm thinking about just attending nova or George mason for the first two years. I'm not sure yet.


I think my mind is clear enough now. I'll be ranting again sometime in the near future. Goodnight.

I'm going crazy, my mind is fucked up. I'm stressing out WAY too much.

Why is it that I crave your attention? I honestly don't know why, but you're able to encompass every part of my mind. Why am I so fascinated by you. Its amazing really. I know nothing about you, but I want to be in your presence. It crushes me when you don't say hi, you simply ignore me. You don't even have to try and you get in my head. Why am I so caught up on you? You're really nothing special. I've heard about how conceited you are, how you think you're above everyone, but for some reason, you're able to lure me in. Why can't I resist? I guess you have this charm, this look that I can't ignore. But why? Why am I so hung on you? When I try to stop thinking about you, you always get back in. I'm sure I'm over thinking this. Maybe you aren't ignoring me, maybe your phone just never receives my texts, maybe you don't see me in the halls. But why is it that every time you do text back, every time I see you in the halls, my eyes always light up, and I'm ecstatic. This is really killing me, I really shouldn't care about what you think, I shouldn't crave your attention. I need to move on, distract myself. Something to get you off my mind. Please, stop coming back...

Since school has started, I've lost 3 lbs.

Why does it feel like my heart just got ripped out?

First week of school was pretty good. I haven't really been sleeping though which is a downside. I just lay in bed and toss and turn. I have no recollection of ever sleeping. I'll glance over at my ipod to discover that it's already 6. For some reason, last night, I had the most terrible sleep. I was violently tossing and turning as if I was really upset and frustrated about something, the odd thing is that I don't even understand why. Nothing prior to that made me upset. Also I need to work on the no more naps right after school thing. It's ruining my sleep schedule.