Shit, last time I wrote in this was November. I completely forgot I had this. I could easily post on tumblr, but I feel like this is more private and just for me to rant and put my thoughts down. No one really cares about what's going on anyways.

Lately, I've been desperate to be with someone, anyone really. I just want a relationship, but I know that's incredibly hard to come across, because I don't just want any relationship, I want the ones that are perfect. I feel like I've become desperate though, that I just really want to have someone to call my own. This is all just unrealistic, I don't want to lower my standards, but I feel like my standards are just way too high, especially for someone who looks like I do.

When I say that. I am honestly repulsed with how I look. I always look in the mirror and give myself a really good look. I imagine myself as another person looking at myself, and all I do is pick out flaws, I know everyone does it. I should be happy with how I am, how I look. I'm not, I'm so focused on appearance. I swear I try WAY too hard though. My weight is a huge contributor for why I feel this way.

I am honestly working on this though, I'm starting to run. I just really need to be patient, I know weight loss takes time, I've lost 20 pounds this school year. I also need to stop procrastinating, I had a great two days of running, and it all just died, mainly because of my lack of sleep.

fldasjf;dasj I'm also nervous for college, hella nervous actually. I have camp next month and for some odd reason, I feel like I'm going to make a fool of myself there. I'm also worried about club basketball and tryouts. UGH. I'm going to continue this rant later, I'm getting sleepy.

/end rant.

Damn it, why do I feel like such a failure?

Is it wrong for me to say that I don't want to do basketball anymore? I've spent 3 years doing it and it isn't fun anymore..I'm not going to be happy. I don't want to make the team..God, what to do. If I do make it tomorrow, I'm going to stick with it though..Damn it. What the hell did I get myself into?

Tryouts are tomorrow. Am I afraid of making the team? Not so much. What I am afraid of is what we're doing at tryouts. How much hell he's going to put us through. Please, let tomorrow just end already..

Thank you coach, for talking me through this and making me feel a lot better about tryouts.

Why am I worrying? Tryouts are in 8 days. I shouldn't be worrying now. Maybe when it's a lot closer. It's 2:45am I'm tired. But as soon as I want to dose off I start to panic, think of all possible outcomes. I CAN do this. I WILL make the team. I WONT regret anything. This is my senior year and I need to make the best of it.

I feel disconnected from life. For the past few days I've laid in this bed. Having dreams about college, basketball, life. It really gets me thinking, I'm not ready to grow up, I'm not ready for what the future holds for me. And yeah I know most everyone else feels the same way. I feel like it's haunting me. I feel like I'm not good enough and that I'm a disgrace to my family.

For example in basketball, I feel bad that my mother comes to all the games just to see her daughter sit out. I just don't know what to think anymore. Every ounce of happiness feels like it's drained out of me.

Three more quarters to go. I can do this.