Happy Halloween everyone! I hope you all had a blast. This is the first Halloween that I've felt sick on. I'm so weak...so cold...I don't know what's wrong. But everything hurt, I was in pain, I couldn't sleep....I cried. I don't know >< But I felt like shit. Thank you Amanda, Natalie, and Chanel for stopping by my house to at least see if I could come out or that I was doing something. I'm sorry I was asleep. I would have loved to go, I just couldn't walk without almost collapsing...

This week hasn't been my week. I've been so tired lately and i don't know why. I never get a good night's rest...maybe that's why? I started to vent to my mom....that's a first. Surprisingly...I started breaking down..I actually cried in front of my mom..

I tired of caring for you guys and having you guys not caring back. I'm a third wheel and I know it. I'm being ignored and I hate you guys for that. I'm tired of this. Really I am.

Eh, show me that you're worth caring for.

Why did I nap? I told myself not to do things like this. Every time I take a nap, I feel terrible which is the opposite of what you're supposed to feel like after a nap. I was debating whether to go to the haunted house or not, I mean I want to support my friends so why not? I dragged myself out of the house and went. It wasn't as exciting as I expected, all it really was, was a ton of screaming. It gave me a headache.

I hate people.

I've been in the most terrible mood lately. I'm upset and I don't understand why. Every little thing someone says, every freakin' action. It makes me want to punch them in the face. They're is complete logic as to why I'm disappointed in you. I want you to find out why though. I don't want to straight off tell you. Because the reason is clear, you don't think through you're actions. It might not be even what you did, but what you didn't do. I'm tired of you guys.

Calvin Lin Trend: I'm always on the verge of crying at school.

This was meant for yesterday:

Unfortunately my internet randomly decided to die on me. Coincidentally it right when I was going to type a blog. Just my luck eh? So I suppose I shall be typing what I want to vent out on Microsoft Word and pasting it on later whenever it decides to come back on.
I’m lost in this world. In my last blog I stated that I was ‘happy’ around my friends. Sure, I portray it that way, but I honestly don’t think I’m happy. I don’t even know what happiness feels like and I think that I’ve never really felt it in my life. I’m pretty sure you’ve all noticed, but I’m quite emotionless. All I seem to feel is pain, I don’t even know if I feel pain. Most things don’t hurt me. Its usually just a force that makes me want to break down and cry. I really don’t like crying, but then again who does? I’m pretty sure I cry at least once a week. I know, I don’t look like the one to cry, shit, I don’t look like the one to do many things. I don’t think there is anything special about me to distinguish me from others, everything I do is just average. I think I live to a standard in life, I can’t live above or below this standard. Which makes me a pretty dull person. My friends..I don’t understand why they hang out with me. I’m not fun at all. If I had a friend like me, I wouldn’t even talk to them. I’m mean, I know I am. Why would you want to be friends with someone mean? That makes no sense at all. All my groups of friends; Vy-anh, Earvin, Samantha and them, then there’s Chanel, Amanda, Natalie, and Jenny. I’m ‘happy’ when I’m with them, but that’s only because they’re happy, and I haven’t done anything to make them upset. I’m just an object that sits there and contributes nothing, its as if I study my friends. I just observe what they do, thinking about all the different messages that it could mean. I’m just there, in my own little universe. Its always been like this, I don’t think there is ever a time where I don’t feel awkward or out of place. Don’t you ever notice that I don’t say much? Or what I say is completely irrelevant to anything? Or that I act unusually obnoxious? Its because I don’t know how I should act to be accepted, I don’t know what you guys will think if I did this or if I did that. And I tend to over analyze every little thing. I think this is what causes my stress.

I went to my chiropractor the other day and he said that my upper back was tight, and that I’m turning out to be like my mom. I told my mother this and she told me to relax. Relaxing is something I’m incapable of doing. Even if I TRY to clear my mind, it never works. It stays clear for a good 5 minutes before it all comes rushing back into my mind, making me want to scream in frustration.

I hate being alone. I bet you if I didn’t mention anything to anyone, I’d be forgotten. I’m never included in anything unless I ask. Except for maybe Natalie and Jenny. They tend to include me in a lot of things, it just turns out at the times they ask me I’m unavailable, but it least it makes me feel like they care for me. If any of my friends hang out, I never know, or I’m left out. I absolutely hate it when they talk about their plans right in front of my face, with no intent as to invite me. Can’t they wait till another time to discuss about it? Or at least ask me to leave. I hate finding out that I wasn’t invited to those things. I then ask myself, why didn’t they invite me? Maybe I wasn’t as close to them as I thought I was. Maybe I’m just a third wheel, and I should stop including myself. Maybe I should just go to school, go home, do homework, sleep, eat, and shower like I normally do, and lead a boring life…. That seems the right thing to do, because as of right now, I don’t know what to think. My emotions are going crazy and I don’t know why. It’s bugging the crap out of me. Every little new piece of information I find out, effects my mood a lot. I have the most mood swings, especially today. I was really mad even though It didn’t seem like it. What probably made me the maddest is when everyone left me…I was alone. By myself. Playing my guitar to calm myself down, some people who passed sometimes glanced at me and that was it.

As of right now, I’m holding back tears, and I don’t know what the tears are for. They’re just coming out, I can’t do anything to help it. I just can’t take this anymore…

Calvin Lin Trend: I used to be really good at drawing; I used to be really artistic and creative. I don’t know what happened.

I actually have a 50% my history test, major fail right? Argh, I'm going to retake it on Thursday, I mean I can't do any worse on it right? I haven't been having the best week, it started off great but its going down hill. Yesterday, I passed out at about 5pm, I specifically asked my parents to wake me up so I wouldn't have these dreams/nightmares again. I have 2 nightmares.

My first dream, I went to go visit my old school friends at their new school, which apparently is a school with tons of floors. I follow my friends up to the top floor where their class was. I chilled with them for a bit and I get a call from my mother, telling me she'll pick me up soon. Since I was on the top floor, I left right away to make sure I get down in time. I waved bye to my friends and headed towards the elevator. I pressed the button and waited for the elevator to arrive. The doors opened, I walk in, and to my surprise the only buttons available were up, down, left, and right. I obviously pressed the down button expecting to go down. Instead, it was like a roller coaster, with ton of spiraling, and turns and whatnots. The doors open and it happens to be where I started from. Puzzled, I went back into the elevator and pressed the "right" button. I heared some buzzing noises, and looked up. I screamed as I saw buzzsaws and other violent weapons on the ceiling slowly lowering down towards me. Since I'm already terrified of elevators, having sharp objects doesn't really help with that. The doors open to a random floor and I sprint out screaming. This floor, people were being killed? The students were playing a game, where students had to voulenteer to play, and the loser has to kill him/her self. That sort of freaked me out. Since I was in a hurry, I asked the teacher the quickest way to get to the bottom floor, she suggested the elevator, but I'm not taking my chances. She then suggested the stairs. Even though it would take me forever, it'd still get me down to the bottom right? Well I started walking, after a few flights of stairs, I had a feeling I was being followed. Scared, I jumped down the center hoping to get to the bottom. I landed and apparently got back to the top? WTF RIGHT!?! So I run around the school for what I feel was 5-8 hours opening doors and running down halls and I somehow got to the bottom? I grabbed my shoes and was about to leave, but was stopped by the principle, and he said that I wasn't allowed to leave. I questioned, "Why?" I got no reply. My friend somehow snuck me out and drove me to my home. As we arrived to my street, we couldn't see anything, the street was pitch black. She somehow knew where my house was and walked me to my house. As we left the car she handed me a gas mask to wear? idk..so i knocked on my door, argued with my parents and went to sleep. then, I woke up, did the usual morning routine. I told my mom I was going out with my friends. I was going to go meet them, but the principle of the school started chasing me with a knife?! and he chased me to a mine field, it was like war, him against me. I eventually died, and woke up in a cold sweat.

My other nightmare, is a usual one that I had in 8th grade. A lot of you should remember what I'm talking about.

Today, I walked Maggie. I enjoy walking her with my friends, we always engage in some sort of conversation. I also enjoy walking her by myself, it gives me time alone to collect my thoughts, unfortunately my brother always tags along. I wish I had my own dog, it would make me a lot happier.

Lately, I've been noticing, I'm happiest around my friends. Right when I get in the car we start arguing right away, and when I say we, I mean my mother and I. We seriously need to stop this arguing, I'm tired of it. It ruins my day, all the time, and it makes me want to end the day already.

I've also been getting more unorganized by the day. Its also stressing my out, I can't find anything, and I haven't been doing homework. The weekend really needs to come....soon.

Calvin Lin Trend: I am extremely terrified of elevators, spiders, the dark, and clowns...

WOO! What a day today. You'd think it would turn out horrible with all the tests and quizzes I had today. To start off the day..I had mah history test, which I got a 71.5% (D+) on and since I finished earlier, I decided to nap for the remainder of the time and my god, I had the most amazing dream. I'm not going to say who was in it, lets just say it make me REALLY happy, but then I woke up and was disappointed to find that I was in the history class room -_-

THEN, I had guitar, it was just like every other class, Mr. Lynch being all bipolar like his usual self. Then I went to lunch ate, went to spanish, took a test [which was really easy] then went to English. Luckily Mrs. Napoliello had to leave early, so it was easy to take the quiz asking Vy-anh what all the answers were :D Afterwards, I became absentminded and forgot my guitar in the class? HOW IN THE WORLD DO I FORGET A GUITAR?! Well anyways, I got it then Kiara and I walked to mah house and played rock band. Then we walked my neighbor's dog Maggie. Pretty fun. Then I went to the football game and had a blast there. :]

Blahdf askhj I need to wake up early tomorrow to go to DC to do extra credit.....I DUN WANNA D:

Wells, I'm off to read comics. :]

I have a good 9 minutes to blog before I should get to sleep. I recently found out that Calvin reads my blogs as well as Vy-anh, Tiff, Patu, and Jenny. I don't know who else reads this, but feel free to tell me, it makes me happy to know.

Today we had PSat's, They weren't too hard... but the day seemed to drag on for ages. Ever since freshman year, I'd stay after school till about 5-6 doing absolutely nothing but meet people, that helped me meet people like Amy, Bridget, and others. This year I'm sort of doing the same thing, except I'm following people around, talking non-stop. Its weird because I normally have a certain extent to the amount I talk, but today, I just couldn't control it, I JUST COULDN'T STOP! ha ha, well yeh, and the main reason why I do this you may ask, I'm too damn lazy to walk home, even if its only a 5 - 10 minute walk.

I'm starting to become closer to some people, it feels great to get to know people more. I guess you could say I'm becoming more social. I think that's a good thing :D I'm getting out of my comfort zone and befriending more people. What made my day was that yesterday, I walked into Mcdonalds and just about everyone there called my name, it made me feel special :]

gkgfnsfgfdsnmga don't you hate it when you tell yourself "When I get home today, I'm going to take a nap and do my homework when I get up."? I do that all the time, it never seems to work. I'm pretty sure you all do it too. Lately procrastination hasn't been a problem for me, but I'm pretty sure that its going to start again sometime soon. Next week we have quarter test....FUN...I don't want to take them, no one ever does. Its just added stress on my high school life. blegh, I need a life, a healthy one. Well its 1am....WAIT its 1am holy shit, I have like 6 hours to sleep -_- That's not healthy at all..ha ha. Well I guess I'll summarize the rest.

I fall for people and get disappointed too easily, Shannon is getting on my nerves, and I need to call Jenny to catch up on things. I'd elaborate more on this, but I needs mah beauty rest.

Yes..I tend to skip around ideas a lot, which is why I phail at English.

Calvin Lin Trend: I get around my house by skipping....

AH..

I love my hair...I got a hair cut even though its barely noticeable. I got the back trimmed a little, and the sides/front layered? I like how my hair looks tied up now, I don't know why but it makes me feel great. I just can't stop staring at it...

so I got new shoes today, yes, I know I have a problem. BUT THEY HAVE PURPLE ON THEM!!! lol, I needed some colored shoes that I don't have, I pretty much have almost every color, except pink and brown. I think... Well I don't own white shoes, because I get them dirty real fast. WAIT I do have white shoes..I just don't wear them.

Okay, so Shannon's been talking to me a lot more, she seems happier, but I think its 'cause she thinks I like her, I mean I sorta do, but idk. Today on MSN, her personal message said "I sick of this living with out you..." I felt the need to ask her about it, and she finally confessed that it was about me. I don't know why she feels so strongly towards me, especially since I haven't seen her in person. Sure I've seen her on cam, but it still isn't the same.

I had a basketball game yesterday, we got crushed pretty bad; 59 to 9. Well that's Falls church for you. I had several falls through out the game, I knocked this girl over with my butt....ha ha I didn't really mean to though..I just wanted the ball. I also skinned my knee a bit and landed on my back. I'm such a kultz, I'm sure you all know that though. There's this girl Jakie, I'm not sure if you know her, but she's this freshman, well my whole team consists of mostly freshmen, exculding Kiara, Johannah, Amanda, and I. I don't know how they play, so its much harder to play as a team when your coach tells you to just play basketball. I'm trailing off...well anyways, Jackie is probably the only one I hate on our team, well I can't say hate, but more of a strong disliking. On the court she switches who's she's guarding, can't shoot, and walks on the court. I mean she claims she's played basketball for 3 years, and I expect that from her. Well the game, the other team...WAS TALL and muscular...the complete opposite of FCHS, we're short and well, scrawny. They ran pretty fast too, this one girl, one step from her is the equalavant of two steps from me, and I literally sprinted after her, since she was my man of course. I was able to keep up which shows that my stamina has increased. After our game, the JV coach came up to us and said with a sinister smile "I'm a little impressed, you guys improved a lot in the past couple of weeks. I see potential in all of you. I can't wait to get my hands on you on November 10th." God, when she said that, I quivered. That woman gives me the chills. A while after the game ended, I started to get sores in my knees. I feel so weak. I really need to get back in shape.

Calvin Lin Trend: I can't sing low notes in Rockband...I bet you didn't know that I sing, period. I also hit them high notes. ;D

I hate...

These fucking mood swings, the feeling of wanting someone close/to hold, the empty feeling I have inside.

The mood swings, one moment I'm extremely happy and feel like I'm on top of the world. And a few hours following that I start to think and feel like shit. Simple solution. Stop thinking. I can't seem to control it though, I sit there and bam, a thought comes into my mind and it slowly develops into a very depressing thought.. I hate these thoughts for one main reason...they lead to bad dreams. Lately I've been able to clear my mind before I go to sleep, thus allowing me to have good dreams, the ones that replay in my mind through out the day, they make me smile.

I want to hold someone so badly. I just want to hug someone so tight for as long as possible. It gives me a warm feeling inside when I ever get to. I know this sounds weird but I like touching people [NOT IN THE SEXUAL WAY!] I like holding people's hands...eh, I'm a weird child.

So, lately I've been messing around with Shannon's mind. I know I shouldn't and I don't know why I do it. Some days I like her and some days I don't. I can't really picture me having a realtionship with her though, I can't really see it working out. Ever. I know she likes me, she even told me that she loved me, and that she still does. I honestly don't understand why though. I mean, I know I'm mean to her. I do it on purpose so she'll stop talking to me and that her feelings would die down. One day I asked her why she liked me, and she answered me "I don't know". I mean, how do you not know why you like someone? She always complains to me about how I'm mean to her and that she hates it, I always follow that up with the question "Then why do you like me if I'm so mean to you?" She replies that she just does. I even stated to her that I'm a horrible significant other, and that she likes that? I honestly want to know why her or anyone else would ever like me, take a look at me, I'm gross to look at and I talk way more than I need to. God, I'm so obnoxious. [edit] She finally told me why she likes me. She likes me for my personality and for my sarcasm? I suppose I understand why she'd like my personality, but sarcasm? No, one like my sarcasm ha ha..

I'd rant on even more but..I'm tired of typing here.

I'll go rant to Vy-anh or something :]

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I feel so uplifted, I'm not sure as to why. I suppose this is a good thing. It seems like Tiff enjoys it when I'm happy, I'm glad to hear that. Maybe I should be more happy to make her happy ^^ OH and I felt so accomplished today :]

So today, was pretty awesome. I got my English paper done and ...signed up for the Math honor society. ALSO a lot of people called me pretty today, it made me feel great inside. I've never really been called pretty, but I don't know if they're just saying this because they don't want to make me feel bad or they really mean it. I mean maybe I'm always putting myself down because my mom always calls me fat or ugly. I honestly think I'm 'okay' looking, but not pretty.

So, tomorrow I'm getting pizza in guitar class, we better get it of I'm gonna be pissed. I'm glad I'm taking guitar, it gives me something to do to calm myself down. Also I can say that I play some sort of musical instrument. Makes me feel important.

So I'm starting to have a thing for someone...;D

I'm ending here. :]

Now to watch family guy =D

Meh.

I really should be reading history now, instead of sitting here attempting to blog. I personally think its something I fail at. I have such a short attention span when it comes to history, its a wonder how I have a D in that class. I honestly don't know why we have to study history, it isn't like I have to use this in my everyday life, sure its great to learn about the past. But I find it pointless.

Okay, so I broke up with Sammy. I found it the right thing to do, since she's on the other side of the world and we rarely talk. I found it weird that right after I broke up with her, she started going on more often. I have a feeling she didn't like me anyways. I attempted to stay friends with her, but I always got a one worded answer from her. Tonight I found out that she doesn't stay friends with her ex's because it's 'awkward'. I told her its only awkward if she makes it that way. Later she sends me an IM meant for someone else saying, "You can do whatever you want if you just come here bby lol". That made me think that she prolly wasn't all into me in the first place..

Also, weirdly I've been finding myself attracted to freshmen girls...I don't know why..o.o


I don't know if I should really get into my family problems..
Eh, I don't know but I feel like my family is a dysfunctional one. I mean we are constantly yelling at each other. I'm not sure if that's normal nowadays . It normally starts with my brother yelling at me, I kick him, and we fight. Mom comes into picture, says something. Then her and I argue. Hours pass and my dad comes home. My brother and him start yelling. I yell at my brother for yelling at my dad. We fight. Then my dad yells at me for yelling at my brother. Then we sleep and it repeats. Now doesn't that sound like fun? :D No, not really. And lately its becoming more frequent, where we don't have hours between arguments.

My mom's not helping with her stupid affair. I wish she'd stop...

Well I better start reading for History....