This was meant for yesterday:

Unfortunately my internet randomly decided to die on me. Coincidentally it right when I was going to type a blog. Just my luck eh? So I suppose I shall be typing what I want to vent out on Microsoft Word and pasting it on later whenever it decides to come back on.
I’m lost in this world. In my last blog I stated that I was ‘happy’ around my friends. Sure, I portray it that way, but I honestly don’t think I’m happy. I don’t even know what happiness feels like and I think that I’ve never really felt it in my life. I’m pretty sure you’ve all noticed, but I’m quite emotionless. All I seem to feel is pain, I don’t even know if I feel pain. Most things don’t hurt me. Its usually just a force that makes me want to break down and cry. I really don’t like crying, but then again who does? I’m pretty sure I cry at least once a week. I know, I don’t look like the one to cry, shit, I don’t look like the one to do many things. I don’t think there is anything special about me to distinguish me from others, everything I do is just average. I think I live to a standard in life, I can’t live above or below this standard. Which makes me a pretty dull person. My friends..I don’t understand why they hang out with me. I’m not fun at all. If I had a friend like me, I wouldn’t even talk to them. I’m mean, I know I am. Why would you want to be friends with someone mean? That makes no sense at all. All my groups of friends; Vy-anh, Earvin, Samantha and them, then there’s Chanel, Amanda, Natalie, and Jenny. I’m ‘happy’ when I’m with them, but that’s only because they’re happy, and I haven’t done anything to make them upset. I’m just an object that sits there and contributes nothing, its as if I study my friends. I just observe what they do, thinking about all the different messages that it could mean. I’m just there, in my own little universe. Its always been like this, I don’t think there is ever a time where I don’t feel awkward or out of place. Don’t you ever notice that I don’t say much? Or what I say is completely irrelevant to anything? Or that I act unusually obnoxious? Its because I don’t know how I should act to be accepted, I don’t know what you guys will think if I did this or if I did that. And I tend to over analyze every little thing. I think this is what causes my stress.

I went to my chiropractor the other day and he said that my upper back was tight, and that I’m turning out to be like my mom. I told my mother this and she told me to relax. Relaxing is something I’m incapable of doing. Even if I TRY to clear my mind, it never works. It stays clear for a good 5 minutes before it all comes rushing back into my mind, making me want to scream in frustration.

I hate being alone. I bet you if I didn’t mention anything to anyone, I’d be forgotten. I’m never included in anything unless I ask. Except for maybe Natalie and Jenny. They tend to include me in a lot of things, it just turns out at the times they ask me I’m unavailable, but it least it makes me feel like they care for me. If any of my friends hang out, I never know, or I’m left out. I absolutely hate it when they talk about their plans right in front of my face, with no intent as to invite me. Can’t they wait till another time to discuss about it? Or at least ask me to leave. I hate finding out that I wasn’t invited to those things. I then ask myself, why didn’t they invite me? Maybe I wasn’t as close to them as I thought I was. Maybe I’m just a third wheel, and I should stop including myself. Maybe I should just go to school, go home, do homework, sleep, eat, and shower like I normally do, and lead a boring life…. That seems the right thing to do, because as of right now, I don’t know what to think. My emotions are going crazy and I don’t know why. It’s bugging the crap out of me. Every little new piece of information I find out, effects my mood a lot. I have the most mood swings, especially today. I was really mad even though It didn’t seem like it. What probably made me the maddest is when everyone left me…I was alone. By myself. Playing my guitar to calm myself down, some people who passed sometimes glanced at me and that was it.

As of right now, I’m holding back tears, and I don’t know what the tears are for. They’re just coming out, I can’t do anything to help it. I just can’t take this anymore…

Calvin Lin Trend: I used to be really good at drawing; I used to be really artistic and creative. I don’t know what happened.