Damn it, why do I feel like such a failure?

Is it wrong for me to say that I don't want to do basketball anymore? I've spent 3 years doing it and it isn't fun anymore..I'm not going to be happy. I don't want to make the team..God, what to do. If I do make it tomorrow, I'm going to stick with it though..Damn it. What the hell did I get myself into?

Tryouts are tomorrow. Am I afraid of making the team? Not so much. What I am afraid of is what we're doing at tryouts. How much hell he's going to put us through. Please, let tomorrow just end already..

Thank you coach, for talking me through this and making me feel a lot better about tryouts.

Why am I worrying? Tryouts are in 8 days. I shouldn't be worrying now. Maybe when it's a lot closer. It's 2:45am I'm tired. But as soon as I want to dose off I start to panic, think of all possible outcomes. I CAN do this. I WILL make the team. I WONT regret anything. This is my senior year and I need to make the best of it.

I feel disconnected from life. For the past few days I've laid in this bed. Having dreams about college, basketball, life. It really gets me thinking, I'm not ready to grow up, I'm not ready for what the future holds for me. And yeah I know most everyone else feels the same way. I feel like it's haunting me. I feel like I'm not good enough and that I'm a disgrace to my family.

For example in basketball, I feel bad that my mother comes to all the games just to see her daughter sit out. I just don't know what to think anymore. Every ounce of happiness feels like it's drained out of me.

Three more quarters to go. I can do this.

I really hate seeing and hearing people say 'I love you' too soon. Those three words mean way too much to be thrown around. I hate seeing people who's been in a relationship for just a week or so, and they say that they love them. They don't. Maybe infatuated, but not in love. I never say I'm in love with anyone, because honestly I'm not. I don't know why it bothers me so much, I mean I shouldn't really care. Also, please don't tell me you love me when you really don't. I hate when people say that, just to make it sound like you're close, when you're not. I have some friends who say that, but refuse to put effort to stay in contact. It's stupid. Don't do that, it makes me think differently of you.

I miss those days at the park. Where we'd just chill outside until 11 - midnight. Have those talks, that are real meaningful. I'm afraid those are going to lose meaning since we can drive now. I want to just go out, take a walk to the park and just talk. Swing on the swings. We need to do this before we all depart to different schools. I wish it could be a weekly thing, but I know with being seniors and all, that really can't happen.

I can't sleep. I'll be posting this from my iPod. I've just come to the realization of how much of an outcast I truly am. Today at the basketball game. I could have joined in on the game my teammates have engaged in, but I prefer playing a game with my brother instead. It looks rather silly since I'm the oldest one there. I should be the one engaging with the others, to be frank I just don't have that chemistry with them. I don't want to make new friends. I'm happy with the ones I have now. It's amazing how the bond I've make with them has grown and prospered. The thought of having to do that again just comes off as more work for me. I feel as if I don't have that chemistry with most people. Sure I know I have to get to know people. But I really can't get to know then the way I intend to. I always feel like in being judged. And yeah I know everyone tells you to ignore the others and don't care what they think. That's hard for me though. First impressions are everything to me. I just tend to avoid the awkwardness and not meet new people.

I understand there is no coherent subject in this post. This is just simply my ranting to empty my mind. To help me sleep. There honestly is no other way for me To do this. So bare with me.

Lately I, as well as other students are thinking about college. I have come to the conclusion that I want to become a computer engineer, why you ask? I don't know. Ever since I was younger, I was always told that was the perfect field for me. Even my career aptitude test tell me the same. I really don't know what my calling is, I don't know what I want to be my profession. What is my forte? I have none. Everyone has music, art, photography, etc. What do I have? Nothing. I'm mediocre at music, I don't excel at writing, I lack creativity and can't create my own original thoughts. I want to find my calling. Everyone tells me that I just have to give it more time. To be honest, I'm nothing but a lazy person. I don't thrive off excitement of adventure. I'm particularly happy laying in bed doing nothing with my life. Sound pathetic? Yeah I know.

I also don't think i'll be able to part with my parents. Virginia tech is 4 hours in the middle of nowhere. Even if I did go, being a freshman, I wouldn't be able to drive. I'm thinking about just attending nova or George mason for the first two years. I'm not sure yet.


I think my mind is clear enough now. I'll be ranting again sometime in the near future. Goodnight.

I'm going crazy, my mind is fucked up. I'm stressing out WAY too much.

Why is it that I crave your attention? I honestly don't know why, but you're able to encompass every part of my mind. Why am I so fascinated by you. Its amazing really. I know nothing about you, but I want to be in your presence. It crushes me when you don't say hi, you simply ignore me. You don't even have to try and you get in my head. Why am I so caught up on you? You're really nothing special. I've heard about how conceited you are, how you think you're above everyone, but for some reason, you're able to lure me in. Why can't I resist? I guess you have this charm, this look that I can't ignore. But why? Why am I so hung on you? When I try to stop thinking about you, you always get back in. I'm sure I'm over thinking this. Maybe you aren't ignoring me, maybe your phone just never receives my texts, maybe you don't see me in the halls. But why is it that every time you do text back, every time I see you in the halls, my eyes always light up, and I'm ecstatic. This is really killing me, I really shouldn't care about what you think, I shouldn't crave your attention. I need to move on, distract myself. Something to get you off my mind. Please, stop coming back...

Since school has started, I've lost 3 lbs.

Why does it feel like my heart just got ripped out?

First week of school was pretty good. I haven't really been sleeping though which is a downside. I just lay in bed and toss and turn. I have no recollection of ever sleeping. I'll glance over at my ipod to discover that it's already 6. For some reason, last night, I had the most terrible sleep. I was violently tossing and turning as if I was really upset and frustrated about something, the odd thing is that I don't even understand why. Nothing prior to that made me upset. Also I need to work on the no more naps right after school thing. It's ruining my sleep schedule.

I feel empty inside.

I'm over you.

Man, oh man. I don't think you understand how much you toy with my emotions. Maybe you're not really doing it, and my emotions just fluctuate so much. I shouldn't blame you, but I don't like blaming anyone. I always say 'its okay' or 'its fine' whenever I get disappointed. Things are never really okay. I just don't like making the other feel like shit for what they did. Maybe I shouldn't be so soft on people. I'm usually straight forward, Meh, I don't know what to do with myself. You make me happy and you make me upset. There's just no winning with you. I hate when you tell me who you think is cute and etc. I want you, then I don't. The thing is, I don't want to have you and have you wanting other people. I want to talk to you. I crave your attention and you just don't know it. Its killing me inside. Maybe I should move on. Maybe this isn't worth it. It honestly seems like you don't care, but maybe you do. I want to let you know how I'm really feeling, but I don't want to come off as an asshole or jerk. I guess I'll keep it to myself.

When you have a conversation with someone, are you the one who typically starts it or does the other? With me, I'm usually the one who starts it, but I feel like I'm BEGGING that person to speak to me. It makes me feel desperate. Maybe I wouldn't feel that way if both of us started the conversation every now and then. Usually when I'm thinking about someone, I'm always telling myself, 'do they want to speak to me? Are they thinking of me too? Are they just as hesitant as me to say hello?'. There's just way too much thought behind a simple hello. I end up sitting there, gazing at my phone or the computer, I have the words typed out, I just never have the guts to push send. It's depressing on my part. I hate feeling like this. It happens in person too. I'll approach a person with an intent of saying something and halfway there, I pause and chicken out. It's primarily my fear of being judged. I'm always conscience of what others think of me, how I look, how I act, how I am. It's best to be yourself I know, I honestly don't think anyone is really 'themselves' around others, only in the comfort of their own home and family.

People ask me why I am so anal about the way I dress sometimes, it's simply because I want to catch the attention of others, be noticed, and stand out. Maybe I should stop being so concerned about what others want from me and just be who I am despite what others want.

My emotions are driving me MAD.

Lately, my memories have been haunting me.

Ohai blogger, long time no post. I never really found time to type shit into here. Currently I'm having trouble sleeping, its mostly because of random thoughts and memories that float around in my mind. Any little thing to come into my mind just causes me to throw a tantrum, I get so mad at myself to the point where I don't want to sleep. Recently though, its basketball thoughts, such as will I be able to make the team, am I good enough, what do I look like out there, what do others think of me, etc. I think as of right now, I'm beating myself up about my ankle and for not being able to attend camp. I know camp isn't much, but I really wanted to do it. To build a team chemistry with the potential varsity team, because as of right now, I feel like an outsider to them. They have such great communication on the court, when I'm thrown out there, I ruin that balance that they have. Maybe I'm the only one that thinks that, or maybe I'm not. I know for sure though, that I have a lot of shit to work on offensively and speed wise. Hopefully conditioning this Fall will do me some good. I feel as if I NEED to make the team, considering there are only like 5 seniors trying out next year. AH, and I'm sorta kinda noticing this one girl :x I can't say I like her 'cause I haven't really spoken to her, but she's cute. I've only seen her at games and of course, we don't really converse there. I have talked to her once, on Monday at the basketball camp. I got to know a bit about her, like that she swims and went to the same elementary school I went to. She's also taking design tech and spanish 3 this year. As of right now, I'm trying to contemplate of a way to get to know her better, since I won't see her until school starts. Will a loserish wall post on her fb work? I don't even know how to approach this. How depressing >< Why is it that all the cute ones are young? I feel like such a creeper :\ I'm not really expecting much, I just want to get to know her. As friends.

I can't seem to be happy anymore. I feel so distant to people, as if they don't want to talk to me. I don't blame them really, I tend to suck the fun and happiness out of many things. I don't really know what to do with myself nowadays. Its so routine. Sleep, school, eat, homework, shower, and repeat. I'm also getting into this phase where I'm just pissy with everything. I just turn everything into a little argument. Maybe I should just take a break from everyone, everything. Just sit alone by myself, take a walk and find out who I am, what I want, and where I'm going. I've been having this powerful urge to just cry, I keep fighting it, I just hate crying. It makes me feel vulnerable.

On a side note, I've been seeing and hearing things. Like silhouettes of people. For example, I was showering and I heard the door unlock and I saw a shadowy figure in the corner of my eye. It totally freaked me out. I don't know what's wrong with me and what's going on in my mind, but I have got to figure it out soon. I don't want this to be on going.

I can't sleep either. When I finally do get to sleep, I wake up in about an hour or two. and repeat until I have to go to school.

I hate looking into the past, remembering how depressing of a child I was.

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately, It's usually because I'm up thinking about where I am in life. I always wonder if I'm leading a healthy life and what I need to do to make it better. Like exercising for instance. I dread running, but I feel like if I actually do something about my weight, maybe I'd be happier with myself. I'm just very self conscience about how I look, I know I need to stop worry about what other people think about me. I've at least made once change in my life so far. I'm starting to eat breakfast in the morning to start my metabolism much earlier than normally. I believe it's working, because I feel more energized during the day.

I know that everyone says they're going to exercise, lose weight, and etc. I'm not trying to do anything drastic. Just reducing my naps, trying to actually walk around instead of waiting for rides etc. I think I'm going to try and take a walk every now and then now. Or maybe put my treadmill to work. I don't know.

So, I wasn't planning on writing in this blog until later in the day. BUT, my friends are making me wait a bit too long to get picked up. I've had a great spring break, haven't done any homework though. My love for DDR has come back. I've reached my goal gauge, woo~

'NOW I am too lazy to finish it, because well. My window closed.

Well, hello people who used to read my blog. I have completely forgotten that I had this. Plus, I've been quite busy with life. That's actually a complete lie since my life right now is just consisted of sleeping. I honestly don't know where to start with this. Maybe I'll just start from basketball season until now.

I've had a great season this year. Its actually been my most successful season in my basketball career. If you didn't know, I haven't been able to score a point in a basketball game the past two years of basketball. Sure, I was able to make them during practices, which would usually make me stand out. But, once in game mode, I can't shoot for shit. Maybe I just get really nervous, even though no one really watches. Anyways, I thought this season was going to follow the same pattern as the previous years. To my surprise, I actually improved. I've score about 2-4 points per game, which doesn't sound like much, BUT is a huge improvement. I've also learned how to use my strength and aggression more. I'd like to thank my coach for this. Though I underestimated him, because he was a 57 year old man, I didn't think he could improve me anymore than my other two coaches. He did something my other coaches failed at. He gave me confidence and he believed in me. Before games, he'd always tell me that he's expecting me to make 20 points each game, I'd always laugh and say I wish. He's always replied, "Why not? You're capable of it, you're a really good player"

Despite my great season, there was the 'drama' that came with a team full of girls. I'm sure you all know I'm notorious for falling. And when I say falling, its not one of those, Oh no, I tripped, kind of falls. My falls are the epic ones where I slid, collapse, and cause enormous sounds. I only fall when I'm trying to get the ball unlike my other teammates. So, SOMEONE...who will not be named, kept telling me that I fell for no reason. That I waste game time when I take too long to get up. That it isn't funny. Yeah, I know that, but it isn't like I just throw myself on the floor, like you make it seem like I'm doing. I do it because of the lack of effort on your part as well. BUT hey, at least I can make layups and pull in fouls like I'm supposed too, UNLIKE you. And guess what, even though you think you're a great player, I'm sorry but you're not. I'm a more versatile player compared to you. So shut it.

So, with the end of basketball, I decided to do a spring sport. I tried for softball, since Lally kept on pestering me to do so. After wasting a week of my time trying out, I got cut. I seriously wished they just cut me with first cuts instead of keeping me all the way through and cutting me because, "my sprint time, pacer, and lack of experience" hurt me. I haven't heard bullshit like that in a while. Really, it annoys me since, she told me specifically Freshman year, "Softball isn't all about running, if you can hit, throw, and catch, you can play just as good as anyone who can run" . OBVIOUSLY, that doesn't apply to me. In fact, they didn't have the decency to tell me that I hadn't made the team. They let me infer and followed up with "We haven't asked anyone who's been cut this, but would you be interested in being manager? Ysewyn and I would really appreciate it and we really want you to do it". OH, you mean like how you wanted me to do softball? I don't know if I want to fall into this bullshit, but I'm doing just to put on my college applications. That, and so that I can do something other than sleeping all day.

Oh, I'm also participating in Spring basketball sometime soon. I just love the sport so much.

My birthday is coming up in a month and 10 days, what to do...any suggestions?